So I've been...silent lately. Here, with my friends, until recently on social media (huge thank you to Anna Priemaza for helping me find a way--and reason--to swim to the surface there).
It's not random. Without going into too much depth--because I still can't quite plumb it, yet--my life got completely upended overnight. I suppose it's a breakup, but I feel like the proper name for it is divorce. After all, when you're with someone for almost-ten-years, living with them for almost-nine, that feels more accurate. At least emotionally.
And fuck, if I wanted to take it to the state of Massachusetts, they'd call it that.
...but much like the "marriage," the divorce is common law--no paperwork to complete, just a severing of ties so sudden and complete that you almost wish for the comforts of bureaucracy so you can buy yourself a little time to wrap your head around how completely and utterly gone the version of a life you thought you had (and let's clarify: I absolutely thought I still had it, this was gunshot-sudden) is just...
The worst part, though, hasn't been the thing itself (which I'll acknowledge is pretty terrible); it's been the ripple effects. The not having a brain, or motivation, or the ability to put my thoughts into words--things I think of as being fundamentally me. Also gone. Taken away in an instant.
Thank god, not permanently. Everyone says time heals, but when you're in the middle of an extended stretch of it's-all-fucked, there's this very real fear that this is your new normal. That more time will just bring you further and further from the self you thought you were, and the ability to make your life into what you want it to be.
The dust hasn't settled--more like I'm starting to make out the hazy shapes of things I recognize through a thinning cloud of it.
But it's settling. I haven't made it to the other side, but I can see that point on the horizon, finally. I finally really believe that it's there, even if I'm still not 100% sure how I'll get there, yet.
So I apologize for the balls I've dropped over the last few months, and the ones I'll probably drop over the next few. Please know I want to do better. And know more than anything that I have so, SO much love for all the people who have been seeing me through this--you know who you are, and I'll never be able to thank you enough. You've reminded me how incredibly lucky I am, how rich in love my life is, always.
I still don't have the words to adequatlely express that, but someday soon I hope--I know--I will.